I suppose I should find comfort that Miracle now has a little brother in Heaven with her (strange that just as we feel in our hearts that Miracle would have been a little girl, our hearts are telling us that this one would have been a boy...). I suppose I should be grateful that we now have been pregnant, not once, but twice... proving I am definitely not infertile. I suppose I should thank the Lord for the amazing man who lends me his shoulder to cry on and holds me through my pain. but I can't do any of these things.
It's so unreal. 17 April 2012, we had the first of 4 positive pregnancy tests. I had every early pregnancy symptom in the book... every symptom I had had with Miracle. And this time... there was no cramping... slight pokes, but that just felt like ligament stretching... my heart was sure... this baby would stick. Come 21 December 2012 (Okay, I was really hoping for the 25th, a little Christmas bundle...) I was certain we'd be holding our little boy in our arms.
I went into get my blood work done on the 23rd. About an hour later the cramps hit, and I started to bleed. It was getting heavy by the time that I got a call from the doctor... I was 2.6 HgC... not pregnant. It took a bit to convince the nurse that I had been pregnant... She said that it seemed impossible for my quants to drop that fast (most pregnancy tests are sensitive at 25mL of HgC and it had only been 3 days since my last positive...). I explained that with Miracle, my quants went from 2400mL at a (supposedly) normal check up on 10 February 2012 to a mere 100mL by the time I was in the ER miscarrying on 14 February 2012. Within a few hours of the call, I passed the exact same tissue I'd passed at the ER when we lost Miracle.
They decided it was a "chemical pregnancy". Which means as far as they're concerned... it's just a late period. Like I wasn't investing in this baby since we found out about him. As though he never was, even though the baby "starts", and just stops its development before implantation. What makes it worse for me is that I was holding off on being excited. I wasn't as connected to Honor as I was to Miracle. That makes me feel like a bad person... even though I know I loved my little Orange Seed baby more than anything. And I'm fighting my rationality so that I can grieve the loss of this precious baby.
It seems so unfair. In my head, I hear the lie of the enemy, the words of Job's wife, mocking me... "Come on Lydia... He is stealing your dreams... don't be a fool... you have nothing left... curse God, and die!"
But resonating in my heart, born up on the butterfly-Angel wings of my two precious babies is the response from Job, an arrow strait to the heart of the enemy: "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD."
Honor Noël, my precious child. I love you, and my heart is full of joy that you were born into the arms of your Heavenly Father. I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. Give your sister hugs and kisses from me. Be good to your Nana and Great-Grandpa, and tell them that I love them... Tell them that we'll be there soon... so save a place for Daddy and I. I give you ALL the love in my Heart --Mommy
It's so unreal. 17 April 2012, we had the first of 4 positive pregnancy tests. I had every early pregnancy symptom in the book... every symptom I had had with Miracle. And this time... there was no cramping... slight pokes, but that just felt like ligament stretching... my heart was sure... this baby would stick. Come 21 December 2012 (Okay, I was really hoping for the 25th, a little Christmas bundle...) I was certain we'd be holding our little boy in our arms.
I went into get my blood work done on the 23rd. About an hour later the cramps hit, and I started to bleed. It was getting heavy by the time that I got a call from the doctor... I was 2.6 HgC... not pregnant. It took a bit to convince the nurse that I had been pregnant... She said that it seemed impossible for my quants to drop that fast (most pregnancy tests are sensitive at 25mL of HgC and it had only been 3 days since my last positive...). I explained that with Miracle, my quants went from 2400mL at a (supposedly) normal check up on 10 February 2012 to a mere 100mL by the time I was in the ER miscarrying on 14 February 2012. Within a few hours of the call, I passed the exact same tissue I'd passed at the ER when we lost Miracle.
They decided it was a "chemical pregnancy". Which means as far as they're concerned... it's just a late period. Like I wasn't investing in this baby since we found out about him. As though he never was, even though the baby "starts", and just stops its development before implantation. What makes it worse for me is that I was holding off on being excited. I wasn't as connected to Honor as I was to Miracle. That makes me feel like a bad person... even though I know I loved my little Orange Seed baby more than anything. And I'm fighting my rationality so that I can grieve the loss of this precious baby.
It seems so unfair. In my head, I hear the lie of the enemy, the words of Job's wife, mocking me... "Come on Lydia... He is stealing your dreams... don't be a fool... you have nothing left... curse God, and die!"
But resonating in my heart, born up on the butterfly-Angel wings of my two precious babies is the response from Job, an arrow strait to the heart of the enemy: "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD."
Honor Noël, my precious child. I love you, and my heart is full of joy that you were born into the arms of your Heavenly Father. I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. Give your sister hugs and kisses from me. Be good to your Nana and Great-Grandpa, and tell them that I love them... Tell them that we'll be there soon... so save a place for Daddy and I. I give you ALL the love in my Heart --Mommy
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